I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
