I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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