you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
