So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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