I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize