I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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