Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
