not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize