I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
