you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
