my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
