I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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