listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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