then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
