i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
