your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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