I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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