I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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