He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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