my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
