Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
