i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
