dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
