I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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