If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
