Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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