If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
