were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
