Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
