if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
