You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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