Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
