we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
