I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
