when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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