His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
