I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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