you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
