He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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