I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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