he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
