I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
