I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
