Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
