I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
