Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
