i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
