the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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