She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
