It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
