1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need to sanitize my soul.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
