When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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