Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a hot homeless man
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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