And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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