I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
