for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
