It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize