Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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