Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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