He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
