i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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