"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
