If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
