Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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