Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
